As The "Real" New Year's Approaches...

I began 905 Liminality Street with my “New Year’s” starting in August, but as 2012 comes to a close, I find myself unable to ignore the “real” new years approaching in a mere 2 weeks or so. 

About 3 weeks ago, I started writing a “this is what I’m thankful for this year” blog post, but couldn’t finish.  I had this strange conundrum where I found myself finding too many things to write down, and then not enough.  I began grouping into “thankful categories,” and that just didn’t seem fair.  I read through it and decided it wasn’t worth posting. 

Really, what I’m thankful for is the array of both beautiful and tragic experiences this year.  2012 has been an insane ride that will forever be partially responsible for my identity. 

It is that time of year when Facebook apps pop up for “see your year of 2012!”  These are always quirky and fun in some ways, because you remember some of the things that happened at the beginning of the year, and inadvertently realize how much can happen in a short year’s time. 

I was frustrated with one of them.  I clicked on one to find the “top moments in pictures.”  It just took a bunch of my profile pictures, 2 of which were silhouettes so you can’t see my face, and the rest were all of me alone.  I thought, “So these are my top moments of 2012? Just my face? Alone? How depressing.” 

I didn’t share it on Facebook because I didn’t want to be the loser whose top moments of 2012 was taking pictures alone in the few spare moments not crying myself to sleep (or so I thought others may perceive). 

I thought about it some more. 

Okay, Facebook, ultimate Panopticon that knows everything, you win. 

***2012: The year I finally made my life about me.***

Sure, it took some heartbreak for myself and others.  Sure, it took 5 and a half months of therapy.  Sure, it manifested in threatening to sue my landlord for refusing to do anything about the Hellmouth.  Sure, it means that I’m still not done with my thesis.  But I can honestly say that in my entire life, I have never been so comfortable in who I am, happy with where I am and what I’m doing, or strong enough to say goodbye to those who don’t accept me fully as I am now. 

2012: The year I finally became comfortable in who I am.

Nerd and proud, of course. I think that has always been there, and I have always been comfortable with that.  Teacher, yes, always been comfortable with that part of who I am.  A food-loving fattie who hates most types of exercise? Well, that one has always taken work, and will always take work. But I’m at least to the point when I can say, “Fuck you. I’m going to eat this cheese, drink this wine, and you can join me in the delicious 10 dollar cheese or you can leave me and my true love alone.”  (True love, of course, being the cheese.)  Bisexual. Yeah.  That one has taken some time to reconcile.  Knowing for most of your life that it’s part of your identity, but refusing to acknowledge that bisexuality exists for part of your life?  Done that.  Falling in love with people of the same sex but being absolutely terrified to say anything? Oh yeah, done that too.  Afraid to admit that part of your identity because of the specific stigma attached to it (you know, we are confused creatures, we only care about sex, incapable of monogamy, that bullshit…)?  Still.  But now, finally at the age of 25, I am at least (mostly) comfortable being open about it.  I still might delete this section. 

2012: The year I finally became okay saying goodbye to those who don’t accept me for who I am.

“Wait, so you’re telling me I’m a people pleaser?  Oh do tell me more, I’m so shocked.”  Those words actually came out of my lips during therapy once.  It doesn’t even matter if I like you, I still try to make you happy.  Why? Because that’s just what I fucking do. 

So, I said goodbye to some people this year, to try and be less of a people pleaser and be more of a…me pleaser?  Some people I said goodbye to in really big significant ways, some in very small, nearly unnoticeable ways. (Please don’t assume I’m talking about you if you are reading this and thinking, “Oh my god, she’s trying to get rid of me!” …No.  Chances are if you are reading this I’m not talking about you.)

But here’s the deal, I’m done pretending to be someone else just so that you will like me.  Why should I do that when there are plenty of people who love me just the way I am? 

2012: The year I learned how to be happy.

When I was beginning college, I tried (so hard) to be happy based on this:

Five simple rules for happiness:
1) Free your heart from hatred
2) Free your mind from worries
3) Live simply
4) Give more
5) Expect less

That was okay, I guess, but it didn’t get at what made me really happy, and I ended up being more of a people pleaser because of it.  I’ve now come up with my own rules, based on my journey this year. 

Five simple rules for happiness:
1) Surround yourself with those you love
2) Keep your mind always learning and your life always teaching
3) Eat, drink, and be merry, as often as life allows
4) Give often, give back
5) Expect realistically, of both yourself and others

Thanks, 2012, for the lessons, the hardship, the friends and family, the laughter, the wine, and perspective.