New Years in August

Traditionally, "New Years" begins on January 1st of any given year.  New Years Day is an opportunity for new beginnings, resolutions, goals, putting the past behind us; ritual.  This year, I decided that my new year did not begin on January 1st of this year.  For me, New Years Day is August 1st, 2012.  Just like traditional New Years, I am making resolutions, putting the past behind me, and starting the year with a forward gaze.

Resolutions to come.

Let me begin by explaining my New Years in August, and thereby placing the past behind me.

This past month, I moved into a house with two wonderful, independent women.  For this blog I am renaming them Rose Tyler and Donna Noble.  (Doctor Who fans rejoice). Each of us will be journeying through our own forms of liminality.  Cultural anthropologist Victor Turner marked this tragically beautiful term, the state in which we are betwixt and between.  We are not who we were before, nor are we who we are to become.  It is a painful time of learning and growth that includes periods of suffering and existential crises.  Who am I? What is my purpose? All to reach the new state of identity to which we cannot yet see.

The Buddhists believe that we are in a constant state of transition, and therefore, always in some degree of liminality.  While this is wise, as I discussed with Rose Tyler, I cannot help but find it a depressing thought that we never reach a point where we feel firmly in place with our identity.

As I mentioned, each of us in this house our struggling with our own dimensions of liminality in very different ways.  Some of these transitions are as complex and personal as how to regain the identity of "single" after years of marriage or cohabitation. Some of them are less complicated, like how to maintain friendships in an academic setting when your status changes from "student" to "professor."  I think in some ways (perhaps unconsciously), our various liminal states drew us together in this house, to help each other out of them.

I recognized my liminality, a true point of liminality, initially after the split with my partner of 5 years, with whom I lived with for 3 years.

After the split, I moved all of my belongings into a storage unit, with the exception of 2 suitcases of clothes and a polkadot duffel bag with toiletries, medicines and vitamins, jewelry, and my computer bag with my laptop and thesis files.  Those went with me to my brother's house.  He didn't actually have a room for me.  My other brother was living temporarily in the spare bedroom, and my niece and nephew each have their own rooms.  So I stayed in my niece's room on the bottom bunk of her bunk beds, surrounded by hot pink walls, purple carpet, Justin Bieber posters, and a glittering sign on the wall reminding me "girls rock."  Yes, yes indeed they do, my dear.

I remember carrying my suitcases up the stairs, plopping them onto the purple carpet, sitting on the bottom bunk, and promptly hitting my head on the top bunk.

You would think that would be enough to make me cry, right?  No, that's just far too dramatic and sounds like a terrible screenplay.

I sat there and just stared at the Justin Bieber poster on the wall for a good minute and then I said, out loud, "Fuck you, Justin Bieber.  I know what I'm doing."

But I didn't.

I spent the next 7 days in my pajamas watching Doctor Who.

The next 5 days on the couch downstairs on Pinterest with my thesis files in front of me so I could pretend I was doing something.

Some nights I got drunk at the bar and stayed the night on my friend's couch.
....or my other friend's couch
     ....yeah there was about 2 weeks I became a professional couch surfer.

2 months I lived in total liminal space, floating in a dark abyss.

Then I stopped getting paychecks, and completely ran out of time to finish my thesis and didn't have a job.

Homeless. Jobless. Moneyless. Degreeless. Single.  All of the sudden it seemed, like a brick to the face. I thought I was rock bottom before I started watching Doctor Who.  I was wrong.

Funny enough, that was when I finally started doing things to make my life better.  As any good nerd, I now have this quotation on my wall as a reminder: "Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." - JK Rowling.

I found a place to live first, with Rose Tyler.  Within a week we got Donna Noble to move in too.  That part was easy.  The rest of my checklist was not, and still is not so easy.  It was not even until last week that I finally unpacked all of my belongings.  It took me an entire month to unpack.  I think it made my life changes too real to unpack. Too much had changed to make it real.

Some of you out there might also be dealing with a break-up.  And I don't care what end you are on on that break-up, because it doesn't matter who does the doing, the liminality, the changes, the abyss isn't any easier.  Those of you in this liminality- start your new year with me.  Today.  New Years can be whenever you want.  At least so says Donna Noble. (And she is noble and wise, trust me there.)

My approach to resolutions this year is going to be from a "liminality" standpoint.  They are going to encourage growth and purpose and meaning.  My resolutions are hopefully a recipe for my new identity.

1) This blog- I will write in this blog.  No set schedule, just a promise.  I will write.
2) I am going to read a "fun" book a month.  This month I am re-reading Pride and Prejudice.  I haven't read it since high school.  Each month I will have a new book.
3) Do more art.  I'm used to a lot of creative work on stage, and I'm going to have to get used to not having that this year.  I'm going to substitute that with copious amounts of art.
4) So much cooking! I already love cooking, but sometimes when life gets busy, I get lazy.  This is a promise not to do that.
5) I will travel to somewhere I have never been at least once this year.

Alright, I think I'm ready for the ball to drop.

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Happy New Year!