Alright, I admit it to the world. I, Ani Lovoll, of Denton, Texas, have been....online dating....
There. I said it. No taking it back now.
Now, let me be clear. I don't need a relationship in my life. I am very comfortable with who I am, and I don't need a relationship to be happy. I'm already happy.
I decided to try online dating because I realized I was ready for it. I have moved on from the past and I knew my self-worth wouldn't come from whatever relationships I develop online.
A few of my experiences have been good, others have been awful. Alright, most of my experiences have been awful.
Here's what I've had to come to grips with: I am fat, bisexual, and assertive. This automatically places me into one of 2 categories: friend zone or slut. I am either so unattractive that people don't want to touch me with a 10 ft pole, or I am desperate for attention (because as a fat girl I clearly don't get attention, and I'm screaming for attention with the "bisexual label") and therefore easy. I'm also assertive, and have no problem making the first move, which, you guessed it, makes me a bitch, desperate, or clingy.
I had a lot of anger coming to this realization, and I don't get angry very often. I no longer internalize all of this and think "oh my god, people don't like me, I have to change all of this about myself." Rather, I'm angry at everyone else for their attitude towards fatness, bisexuality, and strength in women. I'm awesome, and it's their fault for not seeing it.
So I wrote a poem. It's a slam poem so it's meant to be performed, please keep that in mind. There are some attitudes that might not come across if you don't know me or if you don't see me perform it. But I'm posting this poem because it accurately expresses the anger and frustrations of a fat girl's experiences with online dating.
I also need to cite some credit for this poem. Part of the inspiration came from this article:
http://www.forharriet.com/2012/12/when-fat-chicks-give-better-head.html#more
One last note on the poem, it has not gone through any edits, and I still consider it a work in progress.
So here is the poem, titled "Sausage Fest 2013"
Did you know
That fat girls
give the best blow jobs?
It’s true.
See, fat girls love food, right, and what else would a fat
girl desire
But a
Greasy, fat, cheddar filled sausage?
It’s true.
Fat girls give the best blow jobs because
You see
They don’t
get handed a sausage very often.
It’s true
Fat girls give the best blow jobs because
You know
They’ll do
anything to keep you around and
Keep delivering those sausages.
I for one,
Am starving.
Starving for some attention from a man
For some
Pig of a man to hand me a porky sausage
For some
Porky sausage to satisfy my hunger for some
For some
Foursome?
For some
passion and want.
And baby you’ll lie
You’ll lie
next to me with nothing in mind but a lay.
Thinking… a lay and some sour cream lays? What more could a
fat girl want?
You’ll lie.
You’ll lay
down your plans
You’ll lay
out your goals
For some other girl
While you
lay me out, without a hope for more than getting laid.
You’ll lie because you clearly were the first to take a stab
at this pork loin.
And the poor depressed naiive little heifer
Won’t know the fucking difference.
But I don’t care. In
fact I’m
Grateful.
Grateful for this great gift you’ve given of a great big
Sausage.
To stuff down my throat.
As you make a comment that the only thing missing?
The dirndl.
You leave
Me
With a grin on your face and a kiss goodbye
And a gin bottle nearly empty.
Thanks.
Payment received.
Hey baby I know I said I’d see you again but I’m
Busy with my family
Going back to law school and….
Married?
Hey baby I know
I said
I said
We had something but
What I meant was....
We,
me and that other girl.
Hey baby I know I said
We really hit it off but
What I meant was I’m going to hit it
And then take off.
Hey baby I know I said
You were beautiful
And smart
And charming
And funny
And everything I was looking for
And it’s
true.
But come on baby, couldn’t you just lose some weight?
Hey baby…
Hey baby. Hey baby.
Hey
Baby.
You’re not upset are you?
Lay down, I know just the thing that will ease your mind.
--------
You know why my milkshake brings the boys to the yard?
Who you gonna trust to really
Taste
That milkshake?
The skinny cow
who takes a few sips and pushes it away? Or the big
Heifer
Who really
Devours it. Hungry for
More.
--------
I’m sorry.
I should be ashamed of myself.
What’s a fat girl like me doing talking about sex?
I should be ashamed of myself
What’s a fat girl like me doing parading my sexual prowess?
I should be ashamed of myself
What’s a fat girl like me doing? Being fat
And not ashamed of it?
Right? Because you would rather
Me
Be ashamed than
You be ashamed for wanting
Me.
Somehow wanting me is a reflection on you as if
You
Were the fat one too.
It’s okay baby, just lie down, and
Lie down and
Lie.
Down in the river to pray.
Studying about that good ole way
And who shall wear the starry crown
Good Lord, show me the way.
Oh sisters lets go down
Let’s go down, come on down.
Oh sisters let’s go down
Down in the river to pray.
Oh sisters lets go down
Let’s go down, come on down
Oh sisters lets go down
Let’s go down, come on down
Oh sisters lets go down
Let’s go down, come on down
Oh sisters lets go down
Let’s go down, come on down.
Show me the way.
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