Online Dating and Angry Poetry: Part 2

If you have never done online dating before, some of the messages people send may shock you. 

They shocked me. 

So in continuation of the last post, I present another angry poem, mostly comprised of real first messages from people.  Copy pasted directly from my inbox.

Title: “I like your profile, want to fuck?”

Hey, I'm Stephen, I like your profile. You seem like a pretty awesome person.

My afternoon is going alright.

You seem really cool

Do you smoke weed?

Hi.

You look fun.

Hey how are you

Alright, so this is an important question, from which I like to draw the most absurd of conclusions:

If your life depended on it, would you rather choose to fend off 100 kitten sized velociraptors without weapons in a empty field, or 2 large Utahraptors in a gladiatorial arena with onlookers and available weapons?

Hey so I have to say you are very beautiful and from what I read you seem like an amazing girl. I'd love the chance to chat and get to know you better. Would you like to chat?

Signature: Life is a grave, I dig it. 

Hi.

Hi there! I really enjoyed your profile. Any interes in getting to know one another?

Hi.

hey!! i got an email from the system saying that you were a potential match. so i figured i would at least check your profile out, and at least say hi. who knows where a 'hi' can go right? Hope that you had a GREAT Christmas as well..

hi! By the way I’m married.

Hi.

I really really really really really really really enjoyed reading your profile ^_^. You seem very chill and down-to-earth and def. my type of girl. I would love the chance to talk if you are interested. I am a very chill, laid back, geeky, funny, outgoing, confident nerd.

I would rather relax at home, play some video games, watch good shows, sip on wine, and have good conversations with good people than go out every night.

If you are interested please don't hesitate to write back and chat... bye for now! ^_^

Hi.

Hey!

Hey there!

Hi! Hey! How are ya!

Hey, how are you? My name is Deen and I will like to know you. A little about me, I'm fun to be with, funny and silly. I work and go to school full time. I go to UNT also. Anyway, hope to hear from you soon.

Hey!

I totally loved your bio, there are quite a few things on your profile that I find awesome, I am a bit intimated by your job. I feel I am a intelligent man, but I never pursued studies much. I have always like working with my hands to much. I absolutely love the picture of you with pink hair. I have quite a few tattoos, neck, arms, hands, I love my body art. I love archer, and zombies, I read like most people watch tv. Sci Fi, historical fiction. Well I think that is enough for now. Let me know if your interested in chatting.

Hi, I'm David. I was about to ask what you teach, however a quick glance at your profile answers that question for me. I'm a quick one! I do have a question though, what exactly is rhetoric in the academic sense?

Hey their you are very cute, loved your profile i would love to know more about you

Hey! So I’m looking for a FWB kind of situaton, are you dtf? I’m into all body types.

We have an insane match percentage! Also, you are awesome.

Hi.

I read your profile and like what it says. Perhaps you could read mine and consider me as a potential new friend?

---------

How can I put this plainly?

I’m not DTF, desperate, interested in married men, or stupid enough to believe you are just interested in friendship. 

I’m picky, and I have every right to be.

I’m not likely to respond to a message that simply says “hi.” 

The devil may be in the details

But the devil is shielded in vagueness.

How can I put this plainly?

No. 

How can I put this plainly?

I am not a toy

A trophy

A conquest

A piece of meat

A last resort

I am human and I need to be loved!

Just like everybody else does!

How can I put this plainly?

Your efforts exhaust me.

I’m already tired of this

Nonsense.

How can I put this plainly?

Can you just be plain with me

Instead of play with me?