“Being called ugly and fat and disgusting to look at from
the time I could barely understand what the words meant has scarred me so deep
inside that I have learned to hunt, stalk, claim, own and defend my own
loveliness.” -Margaret Cho
I’ve been reflecting over the last two blogs I’ve posted
about fat shaming, online dating, perceptions of bisexuality, and the
degradation of women solely due to the anonymity of the online forum.
I find it fascinating that my most popular posts thus far
have been the unapologetically righteously angry ones. I don’t think the writing is necessarily any
better (although it is in a different form), and the subject certainly has the
potential to be offensive. For awhile I
couldn’t really understand why everyone seemed to like that one more than
everything else I’ve written, until this past weekend.
I recently watched Pitch
Perfect. If you aren’t aware of the
film, it’s about competition a capella groups in college, and particularly
focuses on one group: the Bellas, an all female group. I was delightfully surprised at some of the
smart and witty comedy throughout the dialogue (although I had some problems
with the racial representations, particularly of the Asian-American
characters.) Another character caught my
attention: Fat Amy. “Your name is really
Fat Amy?” “Yeah, I say it first so you skinny bitches don’t get a chance.”
Fat Amy has all of the best lines, in my opinion. She also has some equally problematic lines,
like “I’m going to finish him like a cheesecake,” and when everyone is running
around the auditorium, you find Amy laying down in the risers to which she says
“I’m horizontal running.”
I love having a confident and prominent fat character in the
film that even becomes a romantic attraction to one of the other male a capella
singers; however, in order for her to become so she also has to be self-depreciating
and entirely stereotypical of a fat person (loves sweets, hates exercise, etc.)
Unfortunately, the media (and as an extension, our culture),
is not ready to accept a confident, beautiful, normal-eating-habits, social,
sexual, successful, intelligent, all around positive fat woman character,
despite their prominent existence in real culture.
I’ve been nearly naked on stage (lace bra, nylon stockings,
and nothing else). Last weekend, I showed up to a party (the theme was
inappropriately sexy, and my costume was sexy Paula Deen), in a sexy bra, a
very tiny skirt, and an apron. I feel
entirely confident to do so, because I am comfortable in my skin, but it
doesn’t stop the shock, the looks, the stares, the comments, and the whispers,
because it is so unacceptable in our culture to see fat in lingerie.
I had a conversation with Donna Noble about this a few days
ago, because I’m just tired of all of it. After explaining my frustrations she said, “You know, you’re right.
It’s not fair. I’ve considered
doing some dating myself, and just like you I’m fine with who I am, but I know
for a fact that all of it would be
easier if I weighed less, and that kinda makes me want to do it less, because
it’s not right.”
And she’s right, the petulant child in my brain says “Fine.
Be that way. I’m just going to sit here and NOT DO ANYTHING! I don’t CARE! –sticks tongue out-“
The honest truth is,
if I could do something about it, I
might (although I’m not sure, given my current attitude towards it all). Unfortunately, my metabolism and genetics are
petulant children as well.
“Donna Noble, I know
all of that, and I’ve thought about that too, and I don’t really want to change
me. I like me. I’m actually very
comfortable in my body. But I’m angry
that not one person has the balls (or ovaries, whatever) to be like ‘hey, I
like you, here are some flowers, can I take you to dinner?’ And I mean, in all seriousness, a serious
relationship is probably not in the cards right now, what with the thesis and
the past relationship scar tissue, but I don’t think I’m asking for much. I mean, let me tell you something, nobody has
ever bought me flowers. Not even Pat.”
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I’m not letting you
all into this conversation because I want a pity party for myself. I’m making the point here that fatness has an
incredible impact on the way you are viewed and treated in our culture,
regardless of any other quality you may possess (intelligence, confidence,
other conventional standards of beauty, education, charisma, wealth,
etc.). It is all null and void if you
are fat, according to our culture. In
fact, the only way you can get around that, so says media, is if you
acknowledge that your other attributes are null and void, and become
self-hating. Being proud of who you are?
Absolutely not.
In fact, this, I
believe is the reason my last two posts were the most read. There is something about fat shaming that
people seem to identify with, because everyone is self-conscious in some
regard. Online dating, unfortunately
magnifies that times a thousand, because you have anonymity and distance. There are no consequences to ignoring someone
because they look fat in their picture, or by replying in a message “you don’t
really have the body type I’m looking for,” or “are you DTF? I’m into all body
types, so it’s cool.”
So my challenge to all of you: look beyond it. You might say
“I do!” Most likely, you don’t. I mean really
look beyond it.
Here’s your test: Find a fat person. What makes that person
beautiful/handsome/attractive?
If everything on that list is about their personality, you
fail.
(“Hey, Ani, that’s pretty shallow.”) No, actually that makes
you shallow. If you can’t find one physical thing about a person that is
beautiful/handsome/attractive if they are fat, it means you can’t look at a
person physically if he or she is fat. That
is shallowness, because it means the only physical attribute you can identify
as attractive is being thin or built. Go
forth! Look beyond. I dare you.
